Day 1

Invited friends over for dinner. Step one in finding my fun.

Fall

It is fall around here. I love fall. I love the leaves changing and I love the cooler temperatures.

What I don't love if feeling like I am doing too much for not enough. Too much work, too much school, too much home. Not enough passion. Money doesn't matter. We'll make it. We are making it. What matters is feeling it. I'm not feeling it. School and teaching feel like a chore. Husbands and toddlers feel like a chore.

I love all of these things, but I'm struggling to keep up the pace. I've signed up for all these things, but in the process I've lost me. I've burned out the fire that makes me want to do all these things.

October. For Halloween I'm going to be me. That gives me one month to find me. One month to rekindle my passion. One month to say no to things I don't want to do one month to say yes to those that I do want. One month to find my center and lose my hard angry shell. One month to get back to being the woman I am. One month to find my fire.

It's fall. Time to light the fire.

I'm in. Are you?

Working Saturday

I still miss my family, but I'm looking forward to today. I have some minor revisions to make for my paper and then tonight several of us are off to a concert. We'll be taking Sparky, the RV. It should be great fun. And maybe after this weekend I'll be in detox...

Missing my family

I think I get too sad when my family is gone. I miss them. The first couple of days were fun, but now I'm ready for them to come home. I'm having a hard time focusing on school things and I just want them back. They are having a great time, which I guess is a small consolation.

I went to a yoga class this week with a friend from the the med center. Since I've officially turned in my resignation for the med center, I don't know how I'm going to support my new yoga habit. She and I decided that I would work 1 day a month to cover these types of fun things. Perfect for both of us!

I'm teaching in the fall. Online. I have no idea what I have gotten myself into.

Three months

Three months later and where do I stand? I'm happy. honey is happy. Lion is happy. And I'm by myself for a week.

My paper got accepted for publication. My dissertation is moving forward. I'm running again. I've started a yoga class. And I think we've made some plans.

I had such high hopes for a December graduation. But now I don't think it is worth it. In order for me to graduate then I would need to work 80 hours a week over the next sevral months. it doesn't seem worth it. If I want an academic piosition, I might as well stay in school until May and start a job in August 2010. And I want to have another baby. i know it doesn't make sense for us financially. I don't make much as a grad student, and Lion is SAHD. But I want a brister (BRother/siSITER) for Honey. Not 5 or 6 years apart, but now. As it is they will be 3 years apart. I would have thought we would be well on our way to a second by now.

So many things to work out...

What do you do when

everyone you thought you knew is not who they were?

when the people you love most are coming undone?

when the only thing keeping you from unraveling is your fierce love for a two year old?

and time slows back down

It has been a whirlwind of grandmother visits these past 2 weeks. It has been fun, but lots of people make for a wound up kid. Lion and I got away for a night. It was good to reconnect and to really talk about some things that have been hurting us recently. I got to let go of some of my anger and resentment over his no-show at daddy's funeral. And we got play, and sleep in, and drink (WAY) too much wine. All without a little to take care. grandmas are the best.
It has also been a whirlwind of getting my head fixed. The meds seem to be helping, or maybe it is just the idea that I have to commit to feeling better. Work is still too much, but I've blocked off huge chunks of time in the next couple of weeks to get it all done. Seed starting today and running tonight. All will be well.

one step foward, 1 hour of tears back

Honey night weaned almost 1 month ago. And yet last night, when she woke at 1 am she could not be consoled. Not with a bottle, not with a paci, not with snuggles. After 30 minutes of crying in the house we went for a walk around the block. Me, in my jammies, with her, at 1:30. She finally fell asleep on my shoulder and we got back in bed, where she slept until 5:05. Since 5am is my give time for nursing, she latched on and stayed asleep for another hour.

Not sure what is going on, but figure it might have something to do with all of the visits from the grandparents.

Work:
1 dissertation
2 manuscript reviews
1 NIH grant
lots of data to collect for 3 projects

so much going on and no idea how to get it all done. I think I might give notice at the hospital and go back to prn. I need more time for school and I can't take it away from my family. Something is giving, and recently it has been my mind. I'd rather it be my bank account. Lion and I will discuss it this weekend, and figure out how to cover the loss of income. We'll survive. We always do.

could 1 night really make a difference?

Started meds yesterday. Got decent work done at work, although the comments about my little sponge is soaking up all my negative energy really did a number on me. And then I picked her up for Cat's house. And she was happy to see me. And we played on the bus on the way home and we played at home. And we took a walk around the block. And had a shower, and dinner, and read books before bed. I was happy, she was happy. Life was good. And she slept last night, only waking2x. Twice I can handle.

This morning I was up early and worked on reviewer comments for my paper, and now I'm at school and running subjects. Updating my resume and getting my mind back together.

Now if only I could figure out a way to exercise. or get a mani-pedi.

am i really that crazy?

I had a meeting with my dr this morning to go over all of the crazy in my head. He said I have abandonment depression and anxiety and that is what is making me feel out of control and yelly. He asked me if I could hear how intense I was when speaking. I thought I was speaking normally and he says I'm super intense and loud, like I was wound up. Huh. It is how I feel all day, every day. And to think I had almost cx'd the appt because I was feeling better. Not only do I need (not should) go back on meds, he is having me see a talk therapist to work out grief. Who would have figured that not crying over the death of a parent 4 months ago was not a good sign?

So now I have drugs, an appt with the therapist, and a new schedule. I'm thinking that I might quit my job at the med center so I can focus on school. Losing the money will suck, but we can pull Honey out of daycare and I might actually move forward.

The dissertation is at a standstill. We turned in a grant, I got reviews back for my paper, we got reviews back for the lab paper, and I am collecting data for 3 projects that are not my own. Something has to give. Preferably not my mind.

My doc thinks part of the reason Honey's sleep has gotten so bad is that she is soaking up my anxiety and is worried about how I will be when I wake up in the morning, happy mommy or irritated mommy. I really don't think that is the case, but it provides strong motivation to get and stay better. It really hurts to think that I might be inflicting my crazy on her. I have really tried to keep it bottled in so she doesn't see it, but I'm guessing now that she can sense it. And lord knows this child, given her genetic heritage, doesn't need to be confused about this.

Lion's step-mom is treating us to a night away while she is visiting. It will be good for us. We can talk about my crazy, our finances, and the future. I think we have lost sight of where we want to be in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years. And the ***LOVE*** has faded. There is now doubt that we are in this together, but the sparkly love has taken a backseat to the general stresses of everyday life. Even just a night away will help rekindle that. I hope.

And now a gratuitous birthday pic.

Weaning works!

Who would have thought? Weaning does work! We spent the week talking about how on Friday (4 more days, 3 more days...) the bosoms would go night-night when it was dark. We got a special night-time cup for water.

The fun started Friday night. Honey went down at 8pm like usual. She woke up at 2 and cried for an hour. We talked about how we don't nurse at night anymore and the bosoms were sleeping. She stood at the door, and I put her back in bed. We rocked and I sang. After about 45 minutes she drank a some milk from her bottle and cried a little longer. After about an hour she fell back asleep in my arms. We snuggled for the rest of the night. When she woke again at 5:30 it was getting light outside so she nursed for while and went back to sleep.

Sat night was better. She sent down and woke at 10:30. She cried for 45 minutes and I carried her around the house, just doing laps and singing. She went back to sleep and we got back in bed. At 2:30 she woke again, drank some milk from her bottle and went back to sleep. No tears, no trying to nurse, only about 7-10 minutes of wakefulness.

Sunday night was amazing. She went to sleep at the usual time (8pm). And woke at 3:45. She has NEVER slept that long on her own. I was in my bed, she was in hers. When she woke up, I went in to her room. She drank some milk from her bottle and went right back to sleep. I stayed with her until about 5:30. She woke at 7 for the morning.

I'm afraid to be too excited. I don't want to jinx myself. But I'm so happy that it seems to be working. The fact that she has so much language really helps. There were tears, but i was there the whole, reassuring her that even though we are not nursing, we can still cuddle at night and I'm still there for her.

We'll see how tonight goes. If everything continues to go so smoothly, I'll transition her to a bottle of water, rather than milk. I'd like to have something that can stay in her bed, so we don't have to mike a midnight fridge stop.

What I don't want is for her to feel abandoned. This has been a big part of our relationship, but it is time for change. My little baby, getting so much bigger.

Next up- work updates.

Weaning plan

So it is time to wean Honey. My plan was to be done by her 2nd birthday. that time is almost there and i need to get my head straight about how to go about this.

Step 1:
Don't offer, don't refuse. We'll start this today. I'm not really sure how much she asks to nurse and how much I offer it up. this will help me figure it out.
Step 2:
No more in-public nursing. This one isn't such a big deal. I've mostly stopped doing this anyway.
Step 3:
Start the discussion about no more at night in prep for the weekend. This weekend (Friday) we'll start with the no more after the sun goes down. Need to get my language down for that one. I'd like to be consistent with what I say every night.

For the next week I'll try these steps out and see where that gets us.

Anger Sharks part 2

Oh my. It has been a long time. And the anger sharks have gotten worse. And I haven't run and I haven't written and my reading has fallen off. What has happened to me?

We did go on a vacation with Lion's family. It was wonderful, if not particularly restful. But I'm back at the grind again. The hospital has hired a new person for the full time position. She starts next week. Not soon enough!

Honey is going through some kind of crazy developmental thing. She is unbelievably active and so so funny. But she has stopped sleeping. It takes her forever to go down at night, and then she is up for hours in the middle of the night.

Plan of attack:
1. Schedule appt with crazy dr.
2. Back to running. I'll take Honey to the gym tonight.
3. Write 250 words every day. I like a tangible number. Reading is good, but it isn't helping me move forward.
4. create a plan for weaning. I'm feeling done, and I'm about dried up. But Honey still depends on it for comfort. I need to implement new techniques.

Goals for March:
1. 10 pages of lit review
2. plan for experimental pilot data collection, with completed stim gen routine and playout routine
3. get back in to exercise habit
4. No more drinking. It helps calm me down and I don't want to use it as a crutch.

Anger Sharks

So I have anger sharks. I don't know what the term came from (maybe some movie?), but it is such an apt description for me. Little things set me off, and I just can't control it. They were biting hard Sunday morning. I'm better now, but they are getting stronger.

I think it might be related to my exercise habits. When Honey got sick a few weeks ago i quit going to the gym early in the morning. The she started day care and i wanted to be home in the morning to get her ready. All of a sudden it is 3 weeks later and I haven't run, I haven't done a sit-up, I haven't even played on the fit.

That changed today. I was up at 5 and the gym by 5:20. By getting up even earlier, I can run and shower and still be home by 6:45. That give us 30 minutes to get out the door. It is doable, as long as Honey wakes up while I am gone. If she happens to sleep in, then I have to wake her up. It hurts me to do that, so often on those days we are going to be late.

But writing is going well, and reading is going better. I'm making real progress here. Lion and Honey leave for a family trip this weekend. My plan is to get my statement of purpose and methods sections written. That way my advisers and i can figure out where I need to beef up for the lit review. That will be my fun time in Mexico! My plan is to have my prospectus meeting before April, so I need to get all of this writing done. And then I need to do some pilot data collection. That should be fun!

This day care thing is really helping. Our house is cleaner, we are better fed, I love riding the bus with Honey, and Lion is getting some skiing in. Kat, PBC, Lemon, UJ, and Honey are going to the Science Museum today in Denver. They asked if I would mind. As long as yo9u all are comfortable with 3 kids, I think Honey will love it!

And I have my application for PP. Now to fill it out and turn it in. I did my good dead Friday, but the weekend was pretty self centered. I need to figure something out that can be done daily, but doesn't require too much time or too much money. Isn't that the story of everyone's life?

Reconciliation

Reconciliation. It is an idea that has been troubling me recently. It goes along with my feeling that I need to be doing more to help my community. On NPR last night they were doing a story about the families in China that were affected by the storms and landslides 8 months ago. They interviewed a woman who had a3 month old baby who was living in a tent. her husband was a laborer and there was no money to get housing. There was no running water, no electricity, no sanitation system. How can this happen? How can we let that happen? The interviewer asked the woman how much it would cost to build a house. She said $500 and that it would take 10 years for them to save that much.

Lion and I are frugal people. We don't spend much on material things, but we do have cell phones, and cable TV, and netflix. We spend more than $500 a year at our local brewhouse. How can I pretend that this isn't happening? That there are places where children are not able to sleep in safety, that parents must choose between food and shelter, that individuals must fight so very hard just for survival.

I hear these stories, I think about the problems in my own community, and I boggle. Where to start? Where can I begin? How can I reconcile my very blessed life without contributing to the greater good? I'll never make tons of money. Professors don't go in to academics because it makes you rich. I love what I do, I love my family, but I need to do something to make this world a better place. I need to go to bed at night knowing that I did something today that made a difference for the people beyond my household.

I've started by printing off the PP volunteer application. I'll start there. This can be my one thing today. I'm adding it to my goals. Do 1 thing daily to make the world better. Reconcile my life with my world.

Now I just need to figure what I can do...

Weekend in review

Didn't get much work done over the weekend, as Honey has come down with (another) cold. Running a fever, runny nose, cough, and sore throat. At least we think the throat is sore. Hard to tell, but she cries every time she coughs, so something must hurt. If not better by tomorrow, off to the Dr we go. And to decide about going to child care this week. If she is better tonight she'll go, otherwise we'll cancel. We have narrowed it down to the Friday morning indoor gym Lion and Honey go to. She keeps getting sick Sat morning, so that would give it a 24 hour incubation period. They are going to find something else to do on Fridays for the next couple of weeks.

I did get lots done around the house. Cleaned the laundry room. It was time, as evidenced by the amount of dust and dog hair in there. I'm getting a new (to me) solid wood 8 drawer filing cabinet. Hopefully it will get moved in this week so I can get the office whipped in to shape.

One of the things I have been mulling over is my on-going desire to do some volunteer work. I'd really like to get involved at Planned Parenthood. It supports many of the causes I believe in, and I'd like for Honey to see me working for a better world. But how to fit it in? Where to find the time? I think I'll contact them and see if the could use evening support, maybe from 7:30-9:30 one night a week.

Finally Friday

Gearing up for a big weekend. Trees are getting trimmed, and I have lots to read to get ready for writing. I have been getting up early and reading, but not so much for the running. Will go tomorrow.

Honey's first week of daycare was great. Cat and I have very similar parenting philosophies, which is great. She and I had a good discussion over email about helping Honey deal with the "mines". Everything is hers, and she has gotten over-zealous in protecting it. We are working on the respect for yourself and others thing, but her language isn't quite there. Cat had some great points for making what we are saying accessible to Honey.

Here is part of what Cat had to say...

What I do is acknowledge what the child wants or is feeling, staying as positive as possible. Yesterday, when Honey feared PBC or Lemon was going to take a toy from her, I said, "Honey is playing with the doll. Honey wants space to play with the doll." I'm really big on children's right to space, and I use that word a lot. Next, I make sure that the child sees that her space really is protected, showing her that another child is just walking by or giving that other child a different toy.

Yesterday, Honey walked up to Lemon and PBC several times, pointing to a toy they were holding and saying, "Mine!" So I acknowledged what she wanted and said, "Honey wants a turn with the dinosaur." Then I described the situation, "Lemon is playing with the dinosaur." Finally I introduced a solution, "Let's get you another dinosaur," or "Right now, Lemon is throwing the bear for Doggy and next it's your turn!"

Both of these point to what I am trying to implement at home. We do work on problem solving with her, with the idea that at some point she'll be able to take over the idea generation. Hopefully we are giving her the tools to do that, while at the same time giving her clear boundaries and respecting her own personal boundaries. The language above does all of that. It gives Honey direction, shows her that we see her point, and teaches her respect for others.
Good stuff.

First day

Today is Honey's first day of child care. I LOVE the women who are keeping her, and their kids (Lemon and PBC) are so fantastic. But it does hurt just a little that it is them and not me that she is with all day.

I didn't run this morning. I read articles for my dissertation. I wanted to be there when she woke up and not have to rush out the door. She was so funny. She woke up, cried a second, walked out the living room and saw me sitting on the couch. It made her so happy to see me. Which made me a happy and sad at the same time.

The bus ride was great, although it was challenging getting the stroller, diaper bag, backpack, me, and Honey all on (and off) at the same time! We won't need the diaper bag after today, so that will be one less thing next time.

Plan for the afternoon: Work, pick Honey up at 3ish, head home on bus. She and I will have a snack and then head to the gym. Dinner will be leftovers form last night, so easy enough there.

I need to finish my articles for the day, but this one article a day thing seems to be working. I'm actually reading every day. Making progress!

Terrible Tuesday

Yesterday's plan was not quite as successful as I might have hoped.

Based on my tentative schedule I should have been more productive. However, we didn't get home until 6:30, so dinner was late, Honey's bedtime was late, and I couldn't face writing at 9. So, considering what did get done (reading, thinking, running) I'm going to call it good.

Today, however, I am off to not a great start. Honey ended up in our bed last night which messed me up this morning. Missed my a.m. workout. Planning on doing it tonight after honey goes to bed. I can read over my lunch break, but clinic is slammed. Writing won't happen until Wed.

The meeting with Cat went great yesterday. her daughters, PBC (almost 1) and Lemon (4) were delightful, and Honey had a great time playing with them. Cat seems like a wonderful. I'm feeling really good about this, although Lion is having second thoughts. Our plan is toke it through the end of the month and re-evaluate in March. He is thinking that she is getting so big so fast that he doesn't want to miss her. Sweet sentiment, and one i support. Might drop down to 1 day a week in March if he still feels that way.

Frugal eating

http://frugalhomecooking.blogspot.com/

what a great site. we do a soup a week and just on the first page of this I picked out one to do with our leftover rotisserie chicken and one to use with all of the lentils and barley we have. We are doing a beef and barley this week, so next up will be chicken and bean chili.

I love it.

Week of Structure

Writing went well yesterday. One of the things I need to figure is what order to tackle things in. I think I need to pick one portion of the lit review and immerse myself in it for the week, do some light wiritng during the week, and some serious writing on Sat and/or Sunday. Then pick a different topic for the next week.
Now to figure out the order...

The structure thing worked so well last week I'm going to try it again.

Monday:
5:20 up and to the gym for running and weights and shower (done 2.5 miles)
7:00 home to play with Hazel
7:33 catch bus to work, review articles already read (actually read the paper)
8:45 in office, work, read, write all day (need to read my article for the day)
3:45 Lion and Honey come to pick me up so we can go visit Cat's house (the new child care woman) , Lion to drop of ski boots, Me to grocery to pick up things for Honey
6:00 home to eat dinner, bath, and bedtime for honey
8:00 a few minutes playing with the wii fit and 1 hour spent writing, if I don't get to it today

Tuesday:
5:20 up to do 50 minute Pilate's routine (home dvd)
6:30 in shower, eat breakfast, play with Honey
7:05 out the door for clinic
5:15 leave clinic (hopefully have read my one article)
6:00 dinner and playtime, Deadwood watching, wii fit playing, packing up for Honey's first day of child care
not much school happens on clinic days...

Wednesday:
5:20 up and to the gym for running and weights and shower
7:00 home to play with Honey
7:33 catch bus (with HONEY!) to work
8:45 in office, work, read, write all day
4:00 Leave office to go pick up Honey and ride bus home
6:00 dinner, bath, and bedtime for honey
8:00 a few minutes playing with the wii fit and 1 hour spent writing, if I don't get to it today, repack Honey for Thursday

Thursday:
5:20 up to do 50 minute Pilate's routine (home dvd)
6:30 in shower, eat breakfast, play with Honey
7:30 out the door for clinic (with Honey)
5:15 leave clinic and p/u Honey (hopefully have read my one article)
6:00 dinner and playtime, wii fit playing

Friday:
5:20 up and to the gym for elliptical and weights and shower
7:00 home to play with Honey
7:33 catch bus to work
8:45 in office, work, read, write all day
4:00 Leave office and ride bus home
5:00 dinner, playtime, bath, and bedtime for honey
8:00 a couple of hours playing with the wii

This is going to be a great week! Now to figure out the weekend.

Weekend warrior

Didn't read my article yesterday. But did have great fun in Denver. And did run. Kitchen is clean(ish) and laundry is done(ish). Good enough!

Am at the library to spend a few good hours with the writing portion of my work. Have been to church and spent quality time setting up the new wii fit. I am old according to my wii fit age (47), but have lost some weight since coming home in Jan. Need to write 5 paragraphs on the dissertation today, so must get cracking.

Progress

I didn't get up early this morning. My alarm didn't get set, and so was not up until 6 am. Too late to go to the gym, so will go instead tonight. I did read my article for yesterday, but I'm thinking there will be no writing on clinic days. I clocked 10 hours of solid clinical stuff yesterday. So much going on there that really isn't time to sit and think and write. I did talk to my boss and informed him that I would be going back to 1 day a week in March. It was surprisingly easy. I think that will be a huge step for my mental status.

Things to do to ease my mind:

1. Finish talk about money with Lion.
Our current income does not fit with our current spending. Beginning this month when Honey starts childcare we will be overspending. I'll graduate soon and our income will go up then, so we need to decide if we should cut spending now or pay the piper when I graduate. Likely do a little of both. Really need to look in to ways to cut household expenses (phone, cable) and things like electricity and gas use. We already dry all laundry outside, but I know there are other cuts we can make.

2. Look in to ways to cut household expenses.
Maybe find a site that puts together menus and then gives you coupons for those grocery items?

3. Ge the house cleaned up, especially office.
It is a constant battle. I'm so hopeful that when honey starts childcare we (or Lion rather) will be able to tackle some of these projects.

Ready for the weekend.

Decent start

I did read one article yesterday and my article for today picked out. I'll write over lunch. The running might not happen today unless it happens at 8pm. So not very likely.

Schedule for this weekend:

Friday:
5:20 up and to the gym for elliptical and weights and shower
7:00 home to play with Hazel
7:48 catch bus to work, review articles already read
8:45 in office, work, read, write all day
4:20 leave office for bus
5:15 home to play play play

Saturday:
7:00 wake up, read paper,play
9:00 run McIntosh Lake (3.5 miles)
10:30 shower, get ready for Denver
11:30 honey naps on way to Denver
rest of day is a wash. must read article (maybe after H goes to bed)

Sunday:
7:00 wake up, read paper, read article, do laundry, mop kitchen
10:30 church
1pm - 5pm library to read, write

I can do this. I will do this. If I look at it like this there is plenty of time for resting, relaxing, playing, and still getting my work done. I think part of my problem is lack of structure. By framing each day, hopefully I'll start getting more done.

Run Mama Run

In an effort to provide some motivation for reading, writing, and running I am putting myself out here.

These are my goals:

1. run 3 times a week
2. read 1 article a day
3. write 1 paragraph a day for my dissertation

I will accomplish this by posting here what I have done each day. Structure!