am i really that crazy?

I had a meeting with my dr this morning to go over all of the crazy in my head. He said I have abandonment depression and anxiety and that is what is making me feel out of control and yelly. He asked me if I could hear how intense I was when speaking. I thought I was speaking normally and he says I'm super intense and loud, like I was wound up. Huh. It is how I feel all day, every day. And to think I had almost cx'd the appt because I was feeling better. Not only do I need (not should) go back on meds, he is having me see a talk therapist to work out grief. Who would have figured that not crying over the death of a parent 4 months ago was not a good sign?

So now I have drugs, an appt with the therapist, and a new schedule. I'm thinking that I might quit my job at the med center so I can focus on school. Losing the money will suck, but we can pull Honey out of daycare and I might actually move forward.

The dissertation is at a standstill. We turned in a grant, I got reviews back for my paper, we got reviews back for the lab paper, and I am collecting data for 3 projects that are not my own. Something has to give. Preferably not my mind.

My doc thinks part of the reason Honey's sleep has gotten so bad is that she is soaking up my anxiety and is worried about how I will be when I wake up in the morning, happy mommy or irritated mommy. I really don't think that is the case, but it provides strong motivation to get and stay better. It really hurts to think that I might be inflicting my crazy on her. I have really tried to keep it bottled in so she doesn't see it, but I'm guessing now that she can sense it. And lord knows this child, given her genetic heritage, doesn't need to be confused about this.

Lion's step-mom is treating us to a night away while she is visiting. It will be good for us. We can talk about my crazy, our finances, and the future. I think we have lost sight of where we want to be in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years. And the ***LOVE*** has faded. There is now doubt that we are in this together, but the sparkly love has taken a backseat to the general stresses of everyday life. Even just a night away will help rekindle that. I hope.

And now a gratuitous birthday pic.