What do you do when

everyone you thought you knew is not who they were?

when the people you love most are coming undone?

when the only thing keeping you from unraveling is your fierce love for a two year old?

and time slows back down

It has been a whirlwind of grandmother visits these past 2 weeks. It has been fun, but lots of people make for a wound up kid. Lion and I got away for a night. It was good to reconnect and to really talk about some things that have been hurting us recently. I got to let go of some of my anger and resentment over his no-show at daddy's funeral. And we got play, and sleep in, and drink (WAY) too much wine. All without a little to take care. grandmas are the best.
It has also been a whirlwind of getting my head fixed. The meds seem to be helping, or maybe it is just the idea that I have to commit to feeling better. Work is still too much, but I've blocked off huge chunks of time in the next couple of weeks to get it all done. Seed starting today and running tonight. All will be well.

one step foward, 1 hour of tears back

Honey night weaned almost 1 month ago. And yet last night, when she woke at 1 am she could not be consoled. Not with a bottle, not with a paci, not with snuggles. After 30 minutes of crying in the house we went for a walk around the block. Me, in my jammies, with her, at 1:30. She finally fell asleep on my shoulder and we got back in bed, where she slept until 5:05. Since 5am is my give time for nursing, she latched on and stayed asleep for another hour.

Not sure what is going on, but figure it might have something to do with all of the visits from the grandparents.

Work:
1 dissertation
2 manuscript reviews
1 NIH grant
lots of data to collect for 3 projects

so much going on and no idea how to get it all done. I think I might give notice at the hospital and go back to prn. I need more time for school and I can't take it away from my family. Something is giving, and recently it has been my mind. I'd rather it be my bank account. Lion and I will discuss it this weekend, and figure out how to cover the loss of income. We'll survive. We always do.

could 1 night really make a difference?

Started meds yesterday. Got decent work done at work, although the comments about my little sponge is soaking up all my negative energy really did a number on me. And then I picked her up for Cat's house. And she was happy to see me. And we played on the bus on the way home and we played at home. And we took a walk around the block. And had a shower, and dinner, and read books before bed. I was happy, she was happy. Life was good. And she slept last night, only waking2x. Twice I can handle.

This morning I was up early and worked on reviewer comments for my paper, and now I'm at school and running subjects. Updating my resume and getting my mind back together.

Now if only I could figure out a way to exercise. or get a mani-pedi.

am i really that crazy?

I had a meeting with my dr this morning to go over all of the crazy in my head. He said I have abandonment depression and anxiety and that is what is making me feel out of control and yelly. He asked me if I could hear how intense I was when speaking. I thought I was speaking normally and he says I'm super intense and loud, like I was wound up. Huh. It is how I feel all day, every day. And to think I had almost cx'd the appt because I was feeling better. Not only do I need (not should) go back on meds, he is having me see a talk therapist to work out grief. Who would have figured that not crying over the death of a parent 4 months ago was not a good sign?

So now I have drugs, an appt with the therapist, and a new schedule. I'm thinking that I might quit my job at the med center so I can focus on school. Losing the money will suck, but we can pull Honey out of daycare and I might actually move forward.

The dissertation is at a standstill. We turned in a grant, I got reviews back for my paper, we got reviews back for the lab paper, and I am collecting data for 3 projects that are not my own. Something has to give. Preferably not my mind.

My doc thinks part of the reason Honey's sleep has gotten so bad is that she is soaking up my anxiety and is worried about how I will be when I wake up in the morning, happy mommy or irritated mommy. I really don't think that is the case, but it provides strong motivation to get and stay better. It really hurts to think that I might be inflicting my crazy on her. I have really tried to keep it bottled in so she doesn't see it, but I'm guessing now that she can sense it. And lord knows this child, given her genetic heritage, doesn't need to be confused about this.

Lion's step-mom is treating us to a night away while she is visiting. It will be good for us. We can talk about my crazy, our finances, and the future. I think we have lost sight of where we want to be in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years. And the ***LOVE*** has faded. There is now doubt that we are in this together, but the sparkly love has taken a backseat to the general stresses of everyday life. Even just a night away will help rekindle that. I hope.

And now a gratuitous birthday pic.