Day 1

Invited friends over for dinner. Step one in finding my fun.

Fall

It is fall around here. I love fall. I love the leaves changing and I love the cooler temperatures.

What I don't love if feeling like I am doing too much for not enough. Too much work, too much school, too much home. Not enough passion. Money doesn't matter. We'll make it. We are making it. What matters is feeling it. I'm not feeling it. School and teaching feel like a chore. Husbands and toddlers feel like a chore.

I love all of these things, but I'm struggling to keep up the pace. I've signed up for all these things, but in the process I've lost me. I've burned out the fire that makes me want to do all these things.

October. For Halloween I'm going to be me. That gives me one month to find me. One month to rekindle my passion. One month to say no to things I don't want to do one month to say yes to those that I do want. One month to find my center and lose my hard angry shell. One month to get back to being the woman I am. One month to find my fire.

It's fall. Time to light the fire.

I'm in. Are you?

Working Saturday

I still miss my family, but I'm looking forward to today. I have some minor revisions to make for my paper and then tonight several of us are off to a concert. We'll be taking Sparky, the RV. It should be great fun. And maybe after this weekend I'll be in detox...

Missing my family

I think I get too sad when my family is gone. I miss them. The first couple of days were fun, but now I'm ready for them to come home. I'm having a hard time focusing on school things and I just want them back. They are having a great time, which I guess is a small consolation.

I went to a yoga class this week with a friend from the the med center. Since I've officially turned in my resignation for the med center, I don't know how I'm going to support my new yoga habit. She and I decided that I would work 1 day a month to cover these types of fun things. Perfect for both of us!

I'm teaching in the fall. Online. I have no idea what I have gotten myself into.

Three months

Three months later and where do I stand? I'm happy. honey is happy. Lion is happy. And I'm by myself for a week.

My paper got accepted for publication. My dissertation is moving forward. I'm running again. I've started a yoga class. And I think we've made some plans.

I had such high hopes for a December graduation. But now I don't think it is worth it. In order for me to graduate then I would need to work 80 hours a week over the next sevral months. it doesn't seem worth it. If I want an academic piosition, I might as well stay in school until May and start a job in August 2010. And I want to have another baby. i know it doesn't make sense for us financially. I don't make much as a grad student, and Lion is SAHD. But I want a brister (BRother/siSITER) for Honey. Not 5 or 6 years apart, but now. As it is they will be 3 years apart. I would have thought we would be well on our way to a second by now.

So many things to work out...

What do you do when

everyone you thought you knew is not who they were?

when the people you love most are coming undone?

when the only thing keeping you from unraveling is your fierce love for a two year old?

and time slows back down

It has been a whirlwind of grandmother visits these past 2 weeks. It has been fun, but lots of people make for a wound up kid. Lion and I got away for a night. It was good to reconnect and to really talk about some things that have been hurting us recently. I got to let go of some of my anger and resentment over his no-show at daddy's funeral. And we got play, and sleep in, and drink (WAY) too much wine. All without a little to take care. grandmas are the best.
It has also been a whirlwind of getting my head fixed. The meds seem to be helping, or maybe it is just the idea that I have to commit to feeling better. Work is still too much, but I've blocked off huge chunks of time in the next couple of weeks to get it all done. Seed starting today and running tonight. All will be well.